Fall 2001 Newsletter

Part One

By: Frankie Baird

How can one live life to the fullest when a full life has been taken away? This topic was suggested as a topic for the newsletter by a 'loving father.'

When I read the question initially, I realized there were many reasons in life where someone might pose this question: a person who is growing older and less able to do all the activities he / she formerly enjoyed, or a person who has an illness or was in an accident and was in some way left with a disability. However, in the context of grief, losing the full life of a person dear to us gives the question another meaning.

In the aftermath of the death of a loved one, life is no longer the way it was before. For a parent whose son or daughter dies, there is an affront to us that a child should not die before their parents. Many parents wish they could have been the one to die, thus allowing their child to go on and live a full life. They not only have lost their child, but also the child's future in which he or she may never have the chance to experience: playing, going to school, graduating, finding a career, and achieving success, love, romance, marriage, parenting, grand-parenting, growing up and growing old... and all those things that make up a full life.

The death of one's child is profound and leaves parents with an emotional journey that takes years to sort through. At first the journey is frightening, emotions are raw, and it is common to wonder, "Am I going crazy?"

Grief takes much longer than society believes or permits. Often there is a message from co-workers or friends to move on — "aren't you ever going to get over this and get on with your life?" However, the grief journey is a slow one, and can't be rushed by anyone. Each part of the grieving needs to be dealt with as it comes up. Sometimes it feels like you're taking one step forward, then two steps back. Life does go on for the parent who has lost a child, whether they feel like it or not. They get up each day and put one foot in front of the other. However, there may be many days before a glimmer of joy or hope returns.

Life will never be the same. One member of their family is missing and the hole that is left is gaping. Other children cannot fill that missing spot, the child who died holds that place.

How can a parent keep their child in their life and yet let go of the pain of grief? I believe there is no way around grief, one must go through it. How each person does that is very individual. One person must talk and cry with others, one must cry in private, one must read, one write, one exercise, one visit the grave, one pray, one search... or perhaps a combination of all this and more. In the words of my colleague, Allison, we may need to embrace our grief, and find memories within it to help keep that person alive and with us, as part of our family. Remembering is painful, but also a source of comfort as time goes on. Memories of our child can be passed on to the people we meet, so they too can know who he or she is to us. In our family, we can pass on those memories to our child's siblings, nieces and nephews, cousins. By doing this our child remains an important part of the family, and each generation gets to know and remember the child as well.

A full life will return to those left behind. This life will not be as it was before, but perhaps will be illuminated with an understanding and depth in ways we never anticipated. We will have different views and priorities, we will know more clearly what things are most important to us. It will take time and patience to come to this full life, and this life will include the child we lost.

---

Continuing Bonds...

A new regular column featuring stories or ideas from readers about how they include their loved ones in holidays or special events, how they observe anniversaries, or whatever they do to keep loved ones alive in their hearts.

---

After a long, and debilitating illness my Dad died this January 7^th. I felt like I had been prepared over time and could handle this grieving thing. However, driving along the Queensway one day, for no apparent reason, it hit me like an unstoppable wave. I began to cry, and I didn't even know why. I didn't stop crying for over fifteen minutes. The process had finally begun.

I miss my Dad very much. He was an integral part of my life. We spent a lot of time together he and I. My Mom has attended BFO meetings and even been a volunteer at the BFO office weekly for months, and has brought back from this interface, knowledge which she gladly passes on to me. She told me that the first of everything was bound to be difficult. The first birthday, Christmas, and of course Father's Day.

Everyone around me celebrated their Dads and I was without one. I felt robbed, even angry at those who had a Dad and could cheer them on for one more year. I felt envious and sad, but mostly I missed him.

I decided to write a poem and bring it to him. I would like to share it with you:

On this very special day, I find myself missing you terrible
long to hug you and feel your warmth
And have you tell me just how much you love me

I yearn to hear your laughs, those oh so special laughs
That melt away my troubles in an instant
And make me realize that's important
I wish that you could be here to share in all my joys
Because without you, they all seem to lack something, somehow
I guess I'm feeling selfish, but I think that's OK

'Cause I'm a kid in many ways whose had her Dad taken away
at much too young an age
I need to know you hear me, when I share with you my thoughts
That my words are reaching you wherever you may be
I hope you know that because you gave me so much of you
I know I'll be alright

It's just that you're not here anymore and that just doesn't feel right
You should be right next to me enjoying life to its fullest
Like you always did, like no one else I know

I miss you Daddy

Happy Father's Day to the greatest Dad this world has ever known.

---

It has been seven months since my Dad's death, but I still feel his spirit guiding me in all the things I do, reminding me just how much he will always love me.

Colette Switzer
Age 36

---

Program Coordinator's Report

People who are dealing with their own painful death of a loved one, and feeling overwhelmed or as some describe it as "out of control," may have these same feelings increased when a world tragedy is the headline in the daily paper and the grief of many others is seen on television. No tragedy can ever be greater than the death of our loved one. People need to respect how they are feeling and tend to their own grieving needs first before caring about the whole world. People have talked about their feelings of guilt, of not being able to feel the loss of so many lives in the United States. This is a very normal common feeling.

Safety issues are a concern when dealing with world tragedy. Remember to keep the news off when driving your car, keep the cell phone off also. Concentrate on your driving. Find a friend who will listen to your feelings without judgement. Become a good listener yourself. This is an important time to support and share each others sorrow. No one grieves in the same way so expect as many different opinions as the colour changes in the leaves.

Closed support groups for all losses are beginning this fall. Please call Hilda for registration as soon as possible at 567-4278.

Hilda Sabadash,
Program Coordinator

---

Our Newsletter Committee has grown!

Last edition the Newsletter Committee made a plea for help in the publishing of the Newsletter. Doris Audet came forward and has quickly filled the job of desktop publisher. We thank Doris for volunteering, and welcome her to our 'team.' Doris has skills as a Desktop Publisher as well as experience in publishing a Newsletter, so we are thrilled to have her. Lori is thankful to hand over the job, but has promised to stay part of the committee.

Thanks to Lori Parsons for all the hours of work she has done for BFO: for typing and formatting, phoning and organizing, picking up, dropping off, stuffing, peeling, sticking, stamping, mailing... and most of all, doing it with her kind and positive approach. Thank you, Lori, you're a treasure.

Frankie Baird
Newsletter Committee

---

Support, Library, Handouts, and Videos

Where do we turn?

In the aftermath of the tragedy in the U.S., we need to find a way to go beyond the constant barrage of images that have been on our television screens for so many days. It is natural to question and search, to try to make sense of senseless acts of violence. Each of us will cope in our own way. Remember that BFO has a lending library, handouts and videos, which may help in your search.

The BFO-Ottawa Region office is located at 308-211 Bronson Ave., Ottawa, ON K1R 6H5, offers a free Lending Library and Handouts.

Also keep in mind there is One to One support and monthly Support and Share Night.

The office is open on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. It is recommended that you telephone at 567-4278 to assure office is open prior to coming in.

Recommended reading:

The Worst Loss
by: Barbara D. Rosof

The Ultimate Loss
by: Joan Borrow

When Bad Things Happen to Good People
by: Harold S. Kushner and Ann Kaiser Stern

Supporting all loses: perinatal; infant; children / youth; survivors of suicide; families of murder victims; partners and families of people who have died of aids; mother, father, sibling, spouse and partner.

Coming Events:

---

Continuing Education For Volunteers

If you are interested in any of the following special days, please call Hilda Sabadash at 567-4278.

BFO-Ottawa Volunteer — Continuing Education Day

On October 6, 2001, we will be holding a special day for "educating" volunteers. There is no cost for BFO Volunteers for this day of valuable training.

Suicide Intervention Training

Thanks to a grant of $2500 received from the former Regional Municipality of Ottawa Carleton and the United Way, we are able to provide the LivingWorks Inc. 2-day suicide intervention workshop to our volunteers. There is room for 18 to 24 participants in the session that is to be held on the weekend of November 17 and 18, 2001.

Please Take Notice: This grant is greatly appreciated, take advantage of this opportunity.

Group Facilitation Training

This year the Group Facilitation Training will be held October 27, 28 and November 3^rd. The cost is $35.00.

Therapeutic Touch

Would you be interested in attending a Therapeutic Touch workshop on October 20^th? Call the office and ask for information, 567-4278.

---

Note from Newsletter Production co-ordinator, Doris Audet

As a means to introducing myself to you I chose to insert my thought and wishes to you through an article which I wrote:

---

Writing Your Wrongs

For centuries people have believed that talking about unhappy experiences will help emotional pain. Modern Psychoanalytic theory rests on the therapeutic value of verbalizing past trauma. Recent studies of people who talk things out, as contrasted with those who bottle them up, also demonstrate that it is healthier to confront unhappiness and talk about it than to deny it. Writing about your troubles may be useful too.

Writing about emotional difficulties is not a substitute for talking to others or for counseling. But if you have problems that you can't easily discuss, or find yourself with no one to talk to, writing can be comforting. A daily session with pen and paper, or at the computer keyboard, can serve as a useful alternative to suffering in silence, or as a good adjunct to counseling.

Excerpts taken from the University of
California at Berkley Wellness Letter
Vol. 9, Issue 2

---

"We Really Need You . . ."

The Remembrance Tree 2001

We're happy to report the date for the Remembrance Tree this year has been set for December 9, 2001, at 2:00 p.m. at City Hall. Each year the Remembrance Tree 'Celebration of Remembrance' has provided a time during the holiday season to come together and include our loved ones who have died. Keep December 9 open, and we'll give you all the details in our next Newsletter.

Volunteers to lead the Remembrance Tree 2001 Committee are required for all positions.

The Remembrance Tree is important to BFO.

Are you willing to commit approximately 25 to 30 hours maximum to ensure that this day of support and sharing takes place?

To participate, call Hilda Sabadash at 567-4278 to discuss how to be involved.

---

Various Volunteer Positions To Be Filled

Please seriously consider helping out an organization that has helped you. At BFO-Ottawa, we are in constant need of volunteers for various jobs or events. The commitment is anywhere from a couple of hours per month to as much as you can give, or maybe just on the day of an event. If you can give back a few hours of your time, please call and speak with Hilda at 567-4278. Here are just a few volunteer jobs that need helpers:

The office always needs volunteers. We need cleaners, organizers, peel and stickers (sticking labels on pamphlets and letterhead envelopes), the list goes on.

Support and Share Night, the first Tuesday of the month, 2 to 3 hours, various jobs:

• One to One Support Facilitators
• Co-Facilitate a Support Group
• Fund Development Committee Members
• Board Members
• Activity Volunteers, i.e. The Walk to Remember Helpers, Children's Concert Helpers, Remembrance Tree Helpers etc.

Remember, if you can help in any way, please offer. Volunteering for BFO-Ottawa Region will also count toward the forty hours of volunteer work required for High School graduation! Call Hilda at 567-4278.

At the point the Newsletter is printed, we need someone to help arrange and supervise the production line of volunteers to stuff, label and mail the Newsletter (4-6 hours). It is produced 4 times per year, totaling to around 24 hours.

Parents of High School students, can consider volunteering as a family project. Volunteering for BFO-Ottawa will also count toward the forty hours of volunteer work required for High School graduation! You and your student could work together with the Newsletter! Please call the office 567-4278 or e-mail Lori: parsonslori@hotmail.com.

The BFO Newsletter is always searching for submissions for future newsletters.

---

Continuing Bonds

Take notice of the Continuing Bonds article on page 2. A new regular column featuring stories or ideas from readers about how they include their loved ones in holidays or special events, how they observe anniversaries, or whatever they do to keep their loved ones alive in their hearts. Please offer your contributions.

---

Letters, book reports, and poems

Have you found yourself writing letters to yourself, your lost ones, or wish to share your thought with others?

Have you written a poem or found a poem which really touches you?

Have you read a book that you want to tell others about? Can you write a report on the book or share what it meant to you?

Please submit to the BFO Newsletter, via email to Doris Audet at audetdr@magma.ca or contact the office 567-4278 for faxing. Remember, the essence of this group is that of Peer Support, helping each other through grief.

---

Donations

A wonderful option for donating to BFO-Ottawa Region is to give through payroll deduction to United Way campaign 2001 and have it directed to BFO-OR. If you give through United Way, we need to know. Please call the office at 567-4278. To direct your United Way donation to BFO-OR, write in BFO-OR and use our Charitable Donation # 118803659RR0001. Thank you for your continued support and generosity.

---

Friends of Bereaved Families

The generous financial contributions made by the "Friends of Bereaved Families," provides funding for the programs and services offered by BFO-Ottawa Region. The generous donations from the following businesses and organizations provided funding for the production and mailing costs of this newsletter. For information on becoming a "Friend of Bereaved Families," please leave a message at 567-4278 and a member of the Management Board will return your call. Thank you for your generosity.