Bereaved Families of Ontario — Ottawa

Dear Deborah and Hilda,

When my first wife passed away suddenly in 2005 my whole world collapsed. I knew this was to big for me to handle alone and started looking for help. A colleague at work recommended Bereaved Families of Ontario, they had helped him tremendously when his wife passed away suddenly several years prior.

Attending the first monthly evening drop-in meeting was good for me. More of these meetings, as well as attending a 10 week Closed Group for Loss of Spouse in 2006, helped me a lot to get back on my feet.

I have been repeatedly blown away by the professionalism of the volunteer facilitators and the office. What a world of good they do. Personally I don't feel ready to take on such a task, but I have been pleased to be able to contribute by speaking at the evening meetings, once in 2006 and once in 2009, talking about my experiences and about how BFO helped me.

Putting it all in perspective through the BFO meetings and sessions is a great help, and I plan to go back occasionally to give back as I can. From what I have seen at BFO many other people also gain traction again during some of the most difficult times of their lives. Four people at my work alone have been or are being helped by BFO.

Heinrich Teworte
23.10.2009

Summer 2009

My name is Leah Podobnik and I was a participant in the Bereaved Families of Ottawa peer support group directed towards those who have lost a loved one to suicide (Fall 2008). I joined just after the tenth anniversary of my mother’s suicide by hanging on September 7, 1998 (I was 11 years old at that time).

I found the group through a psychiatrist I was seeing briefly at the Royal Ottawa Hospital. She noticed I was still deeply affected by my mother’s death all these years later and believed this program would be of benefit to me. She was correct in a number of ways.

Firstly, I have been seriously conflicted with my mother’s death since its occurrence. I never had any support or understanding of the grief that I was experiencing as a young girl. As well, coming from a deeply religious family, whatever was said about her decision was condemning and negative. Hidden behind the secrecy and the shame was a deep seeded pain that was never talked about. This pattern of behavior carried on well into my twenties, and developed into an interwoven mixture of secrecy, shame and guilt that was not only haunting my private daily thoughts, but affecting the way I interacted with others.

When I stepped into the funeral home where the peer support meetings were held the first time I thought to myself “What am I doing here?” Seeing as though I had lost my mother so many years ago, I didn’t think I had anything to offer or share with the other participants. I had already made up my mind that I was just going to sit and observe everyone around me the first night and then reassess the situation. Luckily, the facilitators did not let that happen. Warmly they introduced themselves, who they were as people, their likes and dislikes etc. and then they discussed why they were there. After they had finished, they asked us to do the same. I was the third or fourth person to speak. I tried to make it as brief as possible: “Hi. My name is Leah. My mother hung herself on September 7, 1998” but the words kept coming. “She was an alcoholic; I didn’t know what alcoholism was. I know she didn’t kill herself because of me, but I am just so confused, I’m so ashamed, I don’t know how I could ever forgive her for what she took from me. She killed herself just over ten years ago and I’m still so – angry.”

I realized at that point I had never been in a situation where I could openly share my unabridged experience and listen to others do the same. Truthfully, I had never met anyone who had lost someone else to suicide before this group. (……)

(…..) I, like many who struggle with mental illness, am not affluent. Part of the accessibility of this program for adults, was the fact that it only cost fifty dollars to attend. At the time I was between jobs and had very limited funds. When I explained this to the facilitators, they told me that my participation in the program was more valuable than any monetary amount I could contribute, even if that resulted in me not donating anything. That my presence was sufficient, and my experiences were more beneficial than money was refreshing. In a private meeting, one of the facilitators assured me that I would not get kicked out of the program if I could not pay. This sense of inclusion was invaluable to me during this dark time.

Even after ten years the Bereaved Families of Ottawa closed group on suicide helped me. I heard and shared stories with people I normally would have no reason to speak to. These people became my adoptive family, some of whom I remain in contact with to this day. During our group, I met a woman who had lost her daughter to suicide. Her daughter had a daughter who was the same age I was when my mother committed suicide. Through the relationship I had with her, I was able to address some of the thoughts and concerns I faced as a motherless adolescent, in hopes of preventing some of the negativity that followed me for so long. The connections we share are indisputable, and without this group, we would have never discovered these similarities.

It has been just over a year since the program, and the positive results I have experienced purely as a result in my participation are astronomical. Through sharing my story, I have realized it is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I have discovered that what I have been through, if used effectively, can actually prevent someone else from suffering.

This program is special in many ways. From the facilitators to the participants, the experience is essential to anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide. It not only demystifies the subject by presenting it in a non-biased way but it works in conjunction with humility, which provides a undeniable haven for those who have lost someone to such a cruel method.

In conclusion, it is imperative that this group continue as a separate entity. Just as anyone who has ever lost someone to suicide will tell you, the feelings associated with the loss are such that only those who have experienced something similar could ever possibly understand. This is a uniquely prevalent but silent epidemic that will continue to affect the population regardless of the programs available to its citizens. This group was by far the most beneficial step I ever took in dealing with the loss of my mother, and I wish I’d had something like this available to me when I was a young girl. Please help to ensure that others will be able to reap the same benefits from the group as I have.

Leah Podobnik

I began attending monthly meetings at BFO-Ottawa in August 2000 after my much beloved father passed away suddenly in June of that same year. I had come from a very small close knit family consisting of my mother, father, sister and myself. The loss of one of our four family members left an unimaginable void.

I don't know how I would've coped without BFO. It got to be that I couldn't wait for the first Tuesday of each month and although I left each of these sessions somewhat drained, I also felt a sense of relief and belonging. It was here, and only here, that I could feel free enough to cry, get angry, feel sorry for myself and vent. It was safe to do those things here, and there was no judgment.

It was also at BFO that I learned much about another level of compassion and empathy... that for what others were going through. After my father's death, I thought the world should be revolving around me and my grief. It was all about me.... Well, I quickly learned it wasn't all about me, but about all of us going through similar experiences.

In the comfort of the BFO evenings, I developed relationships with people that became stronger than ones I previously had for over 20 years. BFO and the people attending the monthly meetings saved a part of my life, and I will be forever grateful. This organization should be publicly applauded for the much needed services it provides to us who are at the lowest point in our lives.

L. Rail
April 2006