Winter 2001 Newsletter

"LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST — Part Two" will be published in an upcoming issue.

How to help ourselves through the holidays

by Donna Kalb

There are many holidays or "special days," such as birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, weddings and Easter, to name a few. These are difficult days for the bereaved, but for many, the most difficult holiday of the year is Christmas. This day, more than any other, means, "family together." They are synonymous, and it is at this time we are so acutely aware of the void in our life. For many, the wish is to go from December 24 to December 26. We continually hear Christmas carols and people wishing everyone "Merry Christmas." We see the perfect gift for our loved one who has died, and suddenly realize they will not be here to enjoy it. Eventually, the Christmas season will not be so difficult. This statement may not seem possible to those newly bereaved, but grief will soften and you will begin to enjoy life again, including Christmas. Shopping may be extremely upsetting. It may help to shop through a catalog, by phone or to make plans to shop with an understanding friend. Plan to relax over lunch or a cup of coffee. Friends or relatives might be willing to shop for you if they realize that just the thought of shopping is bothering you.

1. Family get togethers may be extremely difficult. Be honest with each other about your feelings. Sit down with your family and decide what you want to do for the holiday season. Don't set expectations too high for yourself or the day. If you wish things to be the same, you are going to be disappointed. Undertake only what each family member is able to handle comfortably.
2. There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may choose to change them. It may help to do things just a little differently. What you choose the first year, you don't have to do the next.
3. Keep in mind the feelings of your children or family members. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them.
4. Be careful of "shoulds" – it is better to do what is most helpful for you and your family. If a situation looks especially difficult over the holidays, try not to get involved.
5. Set limitations. Realize that it isn't going to be easy. Do the things that are very special and / or important to you. Do the best that you can.
6. Once you have made the decision on how you and your family will handle the holidays, let relatives and friends know.
7. Banking and cleaning the house can get out of proportion. If these chores are enjoyable, go ahead, but not to the point that it is tiring. This year you could either buy baked goods, or go without.
8. Emotionally, physically and psychologically, it is draining. You need every bit of strength. Try to get enough rest.
9. If you used to cut down your own tree, consider buying it already cut this year. Let your children, other family members, neighboring teens, friends, or people from your church help decorate the tree and house. If you choose not to have a tree perhaps you could make a centerpiece from the lower branches of a tree, get a ceramic tree or a small table-top tree.
10. One possibility for the first year may be to visit relatives, friends, or even go away on a vacation. Planning, packing, etc., keeps your mind somewhat off the holiday and you share the time in a different and hopefully less painful setting.
11. How do you answer "Happy Holidays?" You may say "I'll try" or "Best wishes to you." You think of many answers that you don't say.
12. If you are accustomed to having dinner at your home, change and go to relatives; or, change the time (instead of 2:00 p.m., make it 4:00 p.m.). Some find it helpful to be involved in the activity of preparing a large meal. Serving buffet style and/or eating in a different room may help.
13. Try attending Christmas services at a different time and / or church.
14. Some people fear crying in public, especially at the church service. It is usually better not to push the tears down any time. You should be gentle with yourself and not expect so much of yourself. Worrying about crying is an additional burden. If you let go and cry, you probably will feel better. It should not ruin the day for the other family members, but will provide them with the same freedom.
15. Consider cutting back on your card sending. It is not necessary to send cards, especially to those people you will see over the holidays.
16. Do something for someone else, such as volunteer work at a soup kitchen or visit the lonely and shut-ins. Ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family. Provide help for a needy family. Donate a gift or money in your loved one's name.
17. Share your concerns, feelings, apprehensions, etc., as the holiday approaches, with a relative or friend. Tell them that this is a difficult time for you. Accept their help. You will appreciate their love and support at the time.
18. Holidays often magnify feelings of loss of a loved one. It is important and natural to experience the sadness that comes. To block such feelings is unhealthy. Keep the positive memory of your loved one alive.
19. Often after the first year, the people in your life may expect you to be "over it." We are never "over it" but the experience of many bereaved is that eventually they enjoy the holiday again. Hold on to HOPE.
20. Don't Forget: "Anticipation of any holiday is so much worse than the actual holiday."

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Continuing bonds...

A new regular column featuring stories or ideas from readers about how they include their loved ones in holidays or special events, how they oserve anniversaries, or whatever they do to keep loved ones alive in their hearts.

This year I attended my first Walk to Remember. My three children and I walked in a group of 17 friends and family in honour of my brother Martin. I came to know about Bereaved Families of Ontario after Martin passed away suddenly on July 1st at the age of 27. I have since attended two meetings and it was there that I found out about the Walk to Remember. Krista (Martin's girlfriend) and I decided that this would be an excellent time to get friends and family together again.

This year's walk was held outdoors at the Arboretum, in Ottawa. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. It was a beautiful sunny and bright fall day. For our group, the walk was a great time to remember loved ones that have passed on and share our memories of Martin with each other.

Anne-Marie Larocque

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Program Coordinator's Report

Bereaved Families of Ontario - Ottawa Region (BFO) allows people to express their grief and share it with others.

This year BFO offers a candle lighting service on December 4th as part of Support and Share Night. Igor Ziemba, a psychotherapist who has experienced a loss, will be the speaker.

The Remembrance Tree - Celebration of Remembrance is being held on December 9th at 2 p.m. in City Hall, details in the attached brochure.

On a happier note, BFO along with the Ottawa 67's are selling tickets to the 67's vs Owen Sounds January 5th hockey game at 2 p.m. as a fundraiser. For every $10 ticket sold ($1 less regular pricing) $4 will come to BFO. After the stress of Christmas, perhaps a reward for getting through the season may be a hockey game where emotions of a different kind can be used before work starts on January 7th. The deadline for ordering tickets is December 10th, allowing BFO time to mail tickets out before the holidays. Order directly through BFO at 567-4278.

Hilda Sabadash, Program Coordinator

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Walk To Remember

The fall day was glorious! On the morning of Saturday, October 20th, almost 100 people gathered in the Arboretum of the Experimental Farm for the third "Walk to Remember" sponsored by Bereaved Families of Ontario-Ottawa Region.

Diana Dakers, one of the directors of "Friends of the Farm," whetted our appetites for walking by describing the Arboretum and the plaques we would see beside the numerous trees. She pointed out that many trees had been donated and planted by families in honour / memory of family and friends. She gave us maps so that we could both walk through the Arboretum, making our own discoveries, and not get lost.

Dave Steven's, the announcer for CBC Radio One's "Ontario Today," started us on our way and lead us through almost 3 km of paths and beauty. We could walk wherever we wanted for an hour-and-a-half. Walkers, if they wished, wore a tag indicating whom they were remembering. They could also write the name of the remembered person on "leaves" attached to a memorial board which will be taken to Bereaved Families "Remembrance Tree Celebration," an annual event held each December at the Ottawa City Hall, 111 Lisgar Street (Sunday, December 9th this year).

The only real stipulation was that walkers had to return to Building #72 by noon for a hot dog Bar-B-Q and prizes. Thanks to the efforts of Bereaved Families' fund-raising committee, there was a great array of prizes for both children and adult walkers, including book-marks for everyone, baseball game tickets, hockey game tickets and certificates for restaurants and the National Arts Centre.

As we were enjoying our lunch after the Walk, Dr. Norman Barwin and his wife, who just happened to be bicycling through the Arboretum, paid us a visit. Dr. Barwin was the founder of the first Bereaved Families of Ontario-Ottawa Region many, many years ago. It was so delightful to meet this couple and gain a sense of our history. We were also visited by the media - three Journalism students from Carleton University and CJOH TV who made sure that we received a newsclip that evening.

For many, it was a first visit to the historic Arboretum. The welcome we received from "Friends of the Farm" and the hospitality Walk participants and organizers found there was just wonderful! Bereaved Families of Ontario-Ottawa Region hopes to return next year.

All-in-all, it was a great morning, and we raised over $2,000 to help us carry on the peer support and public awareness work of Bereaved Families of Ontario-Ottawa Region.

A heartfelt thanks to all those who walked, donated prizes, made us feel so very welcomed and worked behind the scene.

See you next year,
Gail Christy,
Chair of the Walk Committee

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A Thank You Note To A Friend

I can't work just now, because of where I landed today.

So instead I took a walk.

And wrote this poem.

Thank you for being a friend to the bereaved.
Thank you for understanding.
for not trying to compare
for not trying to relate
for not thinking about what you would do,
how you would feel,
what you did,
what you felt.

Thank you for listening,
for knowing how I feel,
for not having to go through it,
not now and maybe not ever.
for sharing mine and teaching me
how to share yours,
should the need arise,
should you need a friend.

Ever.

Thank you for being a friend to the bereaved.
It is hard I know.
To walk so far along and then suddenly
to step in the soft and squishy.
The ooze where we carry so many tears.

To bring up feelings and emotions not expected
some painful,
some hurtful,
some lashing out,
retreating in.
some with names and some without,
anger,
remorse,
desire,
hope,
and then
just bereavement to share in the space between people
to be embraced by a friend like you.
to be accepted for the place I am, just now,
when I need a friend like you.
for you to nod,
or open your arms,
or ask me questions
prepared for the response,
or not prepared, just acting like it.

this moment is a gift from you
to allow me to
Thank you.

Thank you for being a friend to the bereaved.
Thank you for this poem
I'm sorry you got splattered with guk.

Stephen Beneteau
daughter Kyra Cassandra Burgetz Beneteau
died on November 13, 1997

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Tape Review: Angels and Spirit Guides

How to call upon your angels and spirit guide to help you.

Set of two Cassette Tapes by Sylvia Brown

In my journey in trying to make sense of the loss of our son David, I searched amongst many avenues chosen of quiet reflection and meditation for answers that would help to comfort me. I found that through listening to and reading the works of Sylvia Brown that there was indeed hope...

For those who find reading far too time consuming in these busy days, I suggest that listening to her voice through taped messages and stories may help to bring peace to your tired spirit and worn soul...

While initially I was reticent about her teachings, I welcomed the new possibilities that were presented. The kindest thing that I could share with you about her publications is that it may help you heal in the grieving process of losing a loved one.

Her tapes are inspiring and can help to assist us in instilling thoughts of belief that there may be something beyond this life as we know it today. Some might call it heaven. I call it a 'haven,' a place of shelter and safety...

As a result of my experience, I came to learn there is a safe place for us all in our bereavement and that safe place is within us all. The power of love and healing is within us. We just have to reach out and take it...

The memories that are always so comfortingly close have only, with time become good memories well spent with our son. And I am thankful for that...

I truly believe that Sylvia's works have helped me to connect with who I am and who I have yet to become, and I recommend that others who have lost a loved one look into this choice of reading and learning to help them with their own personal journey...

A Bereaved Mom

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Support and Share Night

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Coming Events:

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Building relationships

Our relationships help us help the healing begin!

This is the cornerstone of our work. Within groups, between facilitators and with our donors. These relationships give meaning, purpose and strength to all that we do. These relationships are fundamental to our future.

In the past year, we have been proud to be supported by many loyal donors - both old and new. Many individuals continue to give generously in order to ensure that our groups are always available. We are also recognized and supported by community organizations. The Community Foundation of Ottawa granted us $1500.00 for new training materials. The Gloucester and Nepean Professional Firefighters Benevolent Fund, a new supporter, gave $2000.00 towards our children's programs. Our Suicide Intervention Training is possible with a grant from the old Region of Ottawa Carleton and the United Way. Such involvement guarantees that we continue to offer the best self-help / peer support possible.

In 1999 the US Surgeon General published his report on mental health. He concluded that "Grief can seriously threaten our mental and physical well-being. Early intervention for bereaved children, youth and parents reduces the risk of mental health and other health problems." The commitment of our supporters, both past and present, old and new contributes directly to the overall well-being of our families and our community as a whole. We thank them all for their generosity and for helping us help the healing begin.

Martha Attridge Bufton, Development Coordinator

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"We Really Need You . . ."

Various Volunteer Positions To Be Filled

If you can give back a few hours of your time, please call and speak with Hilda at 567-4278.

The Fundraising Committee invites you to have fun with them while planning the fundraising events!

The BFO Newsletter is always searching for submissions for future newsletters. Please submit to the BFO Newsletter, via email to Doris Audet at audetdr@magma.ca or contact the office (613) 567-4278. Remember, the essence of this group is that of Peer Support, helping each other through grief

Continuing Bonds

Take notice of the Continuous Bonds article. A new regular column featuring stories or ideas from readers about how they include their loved ones in holidays or special events, how they observe anniversaries, or whatever they do to keep their loved ones alive in their hearts. Please offer your contributions.

Letters, book reports, and poems

Have you found yourself writing letters to yourself, your lost ones, or wish to share your thought with others?

Have you written a poem or found a poem which really touches you?

Have you read a book that you want to tell others about? Can you write a report on the book or share what it meant to you?

Please submit to the BFO Newsletter, via email to Doris Audet at audetdr@magma.ca or contact the office 567-4278 for faxing. Remember, the essence of this group is that of Peer Support, helping each other through grief.

Donations

A wonderful option for donating to BFO-Ottawa Region is to give through payroll deduction to United Way campaign 2001 and have it directed to BFO-OR. If you give through United Way, we need to know. Please call the office at 567-4278. To direct your United Way donation to BFO-OR, write in BFO-OR and use our Charitable Donation # 118803659RR0001. Thank you for your continued support and generosity.

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Friends of Bereaved Families

The generous financial contributions made by the "Friends of Bereaved Families," provides funding for the programs and services offered by BFO-Ottawa Region. The generous donations from the following businesses and organizations provided funding for the production and mailing costs of this newsletter. For information on becoming a "Friend of Bereaved Families," please leave a message at 567-4278 and a member of the Management Board will return your call. Thank you for your generosity.